I did it. Then I crumpled it up and threw it out. I have been struggling with this letter for six months. It plagues me.
We have been married for ten years, this Christmas Eve, and I cannot, for the life of me, come up with the words to express how much I cherish HIM... every day... More now than when we first met.
Part of the reason is because, of the two of us, HE is the romantic. I am the one who said, and I quote, "No anniversary gifts. No Valentine's Day gifts". Don't get me wrong, I like having a special dinner and calling it A Day. But HE is the type who still couldn't resist bringing me a beautiful, single rose on our first anniversary. (A wonderful sentiment without the expense of a dozen roses - which would have definitely had me blowing my top about wasting money.)
And I do realize that reading the words 'HE' and 'HIM' makes one usually think that the words indicate the Christian God... but I could not resist capitalizing the words because this is how I always think of MY PARTNER... in capitals.
I wonder about this very thing all the time. Every time I hear a person complain about their mate, I am thankful that The Fates have brought us together... Every time we pull into our driveway to see his car there and the children screech, "Daddeee's Ho-o-o-o-m-m-me!", I pay homage again to The Fates. Every time I'm craving chocolate and he pulls 'something special' out of the trunk of his car for me, I thank The Fates... It goes on and on... it really does!
This could, potentially, be the longest essay I have ever written. And so I have decided to go with point form on only a few of the reasons why I wanted to write a letter, on this auspicious occassion, to MY LOVE:
1. HE often knows me, better than I know myself. HE always goes into 'listening mode' after we leave a family gathering. HE realized, long before I ever did, that those things are just a formal invitation for me to go deep into self-contemplation. Also, see the 'rose' situation, above.
2. HE half-expects to, and accepts, doing things over... because I've changed-my-mind. HE's started putting our kitchen cupboards up on wheels. And never complains when I've decided to move our bedroom closet, which is now in its third position... And yes, it is the regular built-in kind. (And no, he is not a carpenter-by-trade.)
3. & 4. HE always tells me the truth AND often knows what to do with me better than I know myself. Like the time a couple came to visit and the woman didn't like me even though I was doing my very best to be likeable (as most people do when they receive company).
After they left I was upset by the firm impression that someone on the planet didn't like me and HIS response was, "No, I don't think she does like you... BUT Don't worry - She's obviously just jealous because you are everything she wishes she could be." I didn't even know those words could 'make-it-better'... but they did. One would think that HIS words might not have been true. However I have a talent for pre-supposing that people (including HIM) are lying to me and so, HE always tells me the truth (I have come to trust this over the years because I constantly test him on it)- But even suppose that that woman doesn't actually wish to be like me (go figure) - Perhaps the words were comforting in that HE thinks I am so wonderful that other women wish to be like me.
5. For 24 hours after I have done-wrong, HE lets me blame HIM for it. I can't even state one example because there are so many of them.
6. & 7. Though I blather-on with my Suppositions-of-life-in-general so much that, as one would expect, it all eventually comes across as 'white noise', HE still went, in good humour, and got his hearing checked, twice, at my insistence, only to find that his hearing was perfect... just selective. And in so-doing, gave us a funny short story to tell for the rest of our lives.
8. & 9. HE still thinks I'm sexy, even after seeing my intestines during a C-section and even now with all my 'baby skin'(after having gone from 125 lbs to 175 during a couple of my pregnancies and back down to 110). I don't claim to understand it but I appreciate it.
10. HE is the most supportive father, ever! And one who willingly went on a special-diet-for-life, without complaint, to show his children that a special diet is no big deal. At the time, a gluten free diet meant 'no beer' (and other gluten grain alcohols). HIS response was, "I will - eventually - figure out a way to make homemade gluten free beer." I have seen and known a lot of men in my time but have yet to meet another one who would be equal to this task.
11. HE accepts the fact that I am an 'experiencer'. This means that I have tried, and continue to try, all kinds of things in life, often expecting to fail and try again until I get it right and then move on. Generally speaking, this means I have done things that are hazardous to most men's egos, but not MY LOVE. In fact, somehow, I think HIS ego grows because of the things I have done and continue to do. Or perhaps it is because I feel that HE is so perfect for me, that HE and HIS ego are so rock-like...
12. HE has always insisted that I-am-the-one-for-HIM. When we first dated, I, who had dated hundreds... even thousands, refused to believe that he could know this because he had only dated two other people... ever. We broke up for five years because I did not trust or believe that he could know that I-was-the-one under these circumstances. He dated one other person during that time... maybe two... and still insisted that I-was-the-one-for-HIM. How's that for stick-to-it-iveness?
I could go on and on. Really, this is just an example of me warming up to the heavier examples of how wonderful HE is. So is it any surprise that I, of a million words in a mundane situation, cannot find enough words with which to express my love for MY LOVE?
Actually, I feel lucky that I am so verbose. I can't imagine the angst of a person who is generally plagued by the inability to put words to their thoughts...
Oh yeah, HIS one drawback... HE, despite being nothing short of a genious, has great difficulty in putting thoughts into words. This means that sometimes I have to work pretty hard to draw the words out of him...
...Although it also means that I'm pretty much the constant winner in all of our disagreements...
...Maybe it's not such a flaw after-all... here in the Gray Zone.
